damn you phone!!!

I really hate games....I have written about the calling game last year when I was first hooking up with my ex, i hated the waitting and calling game. Now I am going through it again and it boggles my mind the games people play. I understand people don't want to seem too deperate or needy but it comes to a point where if you don't show interest the other person may lose their interest. What I need is a happy medium...just call when you say your going to call and don't use lame excuses for not seeing me (like packing). Thats not too much too ask!!!!

COTTAGES

I love going to my cottage. I love everything about it....1-the car ride there (the habitual stop at the big Mcdonalds and the depaneur in the village before my cottage for fireworks, beer and condoms....lol).2- The food we bring such great BBQ's, snacks and BROWNIES!!! 3- I love the fact that we all interac together...we play games (scrabble, YATZEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Asshole, etc) and have so much fun, even when people cheat...lol..) 4- RELAXING without computers, cell phones or interuptions 5- The best sleeps ever with no hang over 6- not worrying about anything, you are so far away that nothing can be done so all you can do is sit back and enjoy 7- The bonfire...sitting around getting FUCKED UP while telling stupid stories or playing the alphabet game 8- Swimming to the big rock or windsurfing, canoeing, sailboatting...anything in the water is amazing!!! 9- The lack of the need to wear makeup, dress up or put any effort in your appearance is great!!! 10- Just being with my friends all together and making memories that will stick with you forever is the best part about the cottage!!! I hope for more memories to come no matter what happens in out lives we should always make time for cottages no matter who you are!!

TO MY LOVED ONES

Friendships are super important to me. I would say that I am a die hard friend. When you are friends with me; I stick up for you, I back you up, I am there for you no questions asked and I NEVER let a man get in between my friendships. I believe true friendships are not about social climbing and to see how many you can aquire, but are about being who you trully are and finding out about yourself and others by your companions. I have been friends with my core group; Jenn, Kat, Sophy, Mary and LIsa since I was 12. That is almost 15 years...it goes by fast. I have also been friends with Carolyn and Lauren since I was 7...now that 17 years!!! (there are others you know who you are slut buddy:))Not many people can say they are still friends with the same people as they were 15 years ago consistently (and I don't mean you e-mail the person and you are still in contact, I mean real friends). This forms an unbreakible bond and a sence of security in which you feel you can conqure and face anything. These friends know me inside and out and accept me no matter what happens or what challenges we face. Although, I do enjoy meeting new people and have recently made new wonderfull friends. Breaking off from the group does not mean we are any less close but we do have seperate lives which is great thing. However, we do all make that special effort every week to call, e-mail and get together. I never question what I have with them!!!I wish my types of friendships upon everyone.

Loves and Losses

It is so hard to Love and Lose....Especially when there is no explanation for the loss. Boyfriends and friends alike-it is hard to let go of some of them go. You share so much in relationships....humours, inside jokes, tears, your hopes and dreams just to have it just finally end. You think you can deal with it ending easily, but some of us can't. WHat's worse is that you cannot expalin how you feel to others and others don't understand. They don't understand the hurt that goes along with letting people go or the hurt of trying to hold on. Trying to hold on to something old has recently given me some pain. I guess I was nieve to think that person still held something for me as well...being wrong did hurt the ego but in the end I think things ended as they should....what's meant to be will happen right? It's just hard to admit to yourself that someone you care about does not care about you in the same way. But I guess its better to put yourself out there for love then to ignore it...The only things worth it in life are either risky or something you have to work at!!! I truly believe that.

What's on my mind today is living. I recently had a death in the family which has made it more clear yet again that we are not invincible and yes one day we will die. Sad and Depressing, I know. But what is more depressing is the thought that I do not necessarily feel alive right now. I feel like I am going through the motions. School, work, car payments, visa dept, phone bill, stress, etc. The list goes on. Of course I have my friends, fun times and leisure activities. But somehow, I don't feel ALIVE!! I am not sure what it missing....I am not a crazy risky person, bumgy jumping and sky diving don't appeal to me. Although I have heard that can make you feel alive (could it be because you have the risk of dying?!?!). Would drinking a cup of bleach have the same affect after you wake up from getting your stomach pumped??? Anyways maybe I am being a brat and not appreciating what I do have...Great friends, my health, family and the luck of living in a great country!!! Needless to say I could create some more excitement....LETS GO STREAKING!!!

Men that are THERE

What does "there" mean.....
How of times have you met a guy, hit it off only then to realize there is something wrong. He doesn't have his own place, he is not ambitious, he isin't romantic enough, he is self absorbed, he isin't tall enough, etc. And, how many times you you think "this will change in time", "I can fix him", or "that won't bug me in a year"? I can bet most of you have. What I want to know is where are the men that are not in transission, where are the men that are "there"?. Grown up, have their own places, RRSP's. Money in the bank, ambittion, appreciative, giving, and likes to spend time with your friends, etc. Out of all the men I know I cannot fully say that there is one man who is "there" yet. It really scares me. Women have fought so strong to be self sufficient and independant but has that made our men lazy????? Now that they do not have to be the bread winners, has their sence of ambittion become over drawn by their sence of laziness. That is a scary thought!! What is even scarier is the thought of meeting a guy who is "there" and how to deal with him!!!!!

The Risk

We all know nothing in life is worth it unless you work at it or take a risk right? But how do you assess if the worth is WORTH the risk. Risks can be anything, taking that new job and quitting the old, breaking up with someone you've been with for years, telling a crush you like them. Risks all have consequences...but are they worth it. I am not much of a risk taker myself so taking risks is especially hard for me. One area I definetly dont take risks is in love life. I have to damn well know the guys head over heals for me to admit anything. I do that so I dont get hurt or lose my ego. Its safe to only go for guys that go for you...but it also makes slim pickings out there. What about the ones that are too shy or to scared? Is there even such a thing? Even if a guy is scared or shy if he really likes someone he'd go for it right?? Well there you go, im assessing the risks again....I guess Ill just play it safe and hope I dont lose out....

all i can think about

When there is so much else going on in your life why do we women always put men first in line to think about. I just started school, am working and starting dance lessons in the near future. I work out, hang out and chill but the one thing constantly on my mind is boys. I rpomised my mother I'd be single for 6 months. I havent been alone for even a day yet. If its not one boy its the other. I am never completely alone. I woudl love to blame it on the fact that they chase me or that I am irresistable...ha ha!! But that is not true, in many cases I am the aggresor in all this. I like challenge. But on the other hand I dont have time to play games but all that keeps comming out of my mouth to my girlfriends is what kind of position i should take and how I should act. I honestly think the only way to seperate me from the boys is if you put me on a desserted island!!!

Swinging Single

How is it possible that I have so many ex-boyfriends in one tiny area. I cannot go out without seeing one of them or hearing about what they are up to. I dont know whats worse; knowing or not knowing? Does knowing help you move on or just hurt you too much... In one case know that hearing your ex is with someone new definetly helps you move on and out of a unhealthy path. But lately Ive been hearing about other exes and I dont really need to go there anymore. Why does it seem like every guy I go out with gets stupider and more immature to me after we brake up? How can you not see the things you see in a person after you guys are no longer together. I think I need break up glasses when I first meet someone to see how they really are before I commit. I am now single again and have nothing bad to say about my ex. He was sweet and wonderfull. It was my fault we broke up and my feelings. And I definetly dont need to hear about hima nd who hes will date...at least for now it woudl hurt too much.

THE BIG F!!!

FUTURE FUTURE FUUTURE!! Is that all we have to think about in terms of relationships? I am in a trully great relationship (and I realize that more after my birthday) and have been worried so much about my future and if I see one with him. I am young (only 19!!) and I am not at th epoint where I want to be married or have kids so why is that on my mind. Well obvious reasons I dont want to get attatched or I dont want to waste my time. Well I have adressed those two issues recently. One...being attched...well I already am so I dont have to worry about that. And yes, I care alot about him but I know of he broke up I would be okay and that that lide goes on. From having my heart distroyed a few year ago I know that now. It seems like you would say : if it was true love you couldnt live without him. Well I had love and I am still living even though I didn't end up with that person. Now about wasting time...I have realized that being happy and less stressed in my life because I have this great guy cannot possibly be a waste of time. I am not interested in anyone else nor do I wish to meet anyone else. SO there you go my lecture about the future!

September

Dealines....we all have them. To pay bills, school papers...ages we want to be married, have kids by. But when do we ever really go by our age deadlines. Pregnancy can happen unexpectantly, you may never meet someone you want to marry or life can throw you a curveball. Are we suposed to feel bad if we cant meet our deadline? Are we not mean to be happy if we don't have kids or if we don't have a husband or wife? On the other hand if we know what we want and we are working for it whats wrong with having an end point in mind. I want to be done school by 2007. Is there something wrong with that. But what if I get sick or something happens and I cant meet the deadline, am I a bad person? What about dealines we give others....I will give him till blank to prepose or I will end it if he doesnt get a job by then. Are dealines fair if the other person doesnt know about it. Why do we give dealines. I think it is because we are afraid of making descsions-especially big ones- for fear of the consequences. Making deadlines can put blame on the other person for your descision. Making dealines also gives a certain ammount a fate popping in and being part of the equation... all I know is Spetember is my deadline.

New Versus Old

I was discussing with a friend a few days ago about the differences between new relationships and old relationships. Then we went up north with 4 couples. One couple has been together for 4 years, one for about a year and two very recent couples. According to my friend the difference was very obvious. The oldest couple were very independent from each other and only once and a while going up to each other for affection and affirmation. The newer couples were constantly by each others sides and always kissing and touching. I guess it is true that as time goes by the excitement and thrill goes down into intimacy. Kind of sad in a way because it is not something that can be helped or remedied. It is natural. Well, me being in on of the newbie relationships I hope to drag out this affection thing as long as possible because I am enjoying it immensely!!

Its so weird how people treat you differently when you are single then when you are attached. When I am single my phone is always ringing, Im constantly being asked to go places and I am never at home watching TV. When I meet someone its like I have the plague. "Oh I guess Erin wont come out now-shes got a boyfriend". What a joke! I go out more then any single person I know. You also stop getting those random calls form guys- you know the hopefull ones everytime you break up they creep around just waitting to pounce on you when you are A-vulnerable b) Drunk c) both together. Ive had my share of those but mostly when I have been drunk. WARNING TO NEWLY BROKEN UP PEOPLE: ALCOHOL MAKES YOU THINK GUYS ARE ATTRACTIVE WHEN THEY REALLY MAKE YOU WANT TO THROW UP IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU ARE SOBER!!!

uh oh

Well well. I guess not everything is perfect in new relationships. I guess a little down the line you realize the peron is not exactly 100 percent who you want them to be. I mean thats okay no one is a saint- but what do you do when the person you like involves themselves in something that is not attractive to you- whether it being drugs, who they hang out with, an action, etc. Do you call them on it or do you ignore it and hope that YOU will change and not caer about it anymore. We all know changing ourselves is soooooooooooo easy...lol. I guess as we go on in relationships we do not tolorate what we dislike as mich and stick to our guns about what we like. I dont want to date a guy who does drugs. That is not a bad thing. Just kinda sucks when you like a person!

Europe bound!

I can't wait to go to europe!! Maybe I will coem back a changed person. Maybe I will come back and have things to talk about besides relationships and as my friend trevor would say my "seinfeld" episodes. He thinks that i make the biggest deals out of the smallest things and that I am crazy paranoid. I happen to agree. But years of relationships and dating has made me over cautious to the point of craziness!! Its just way to hard to believe that I man can actually be nice to me and genuinely like me. THERE HAS TO BE A ALTERIOR MOTIVE RIGHT??? I guess maybe I am crazy...but for the nest few weeks maybe ill try to "act" sane and hopefully it may come naturally after that.

WHEN WHY WHO WHAT

In relationships, when is it okay to ask those questions. For some couples it takes 2 days. For others, those questions are not allowed. Which couple seems that have more confidence and security? I dont know. "I willl tell you everything and all to prove I love you". That seems too crazy. Always telling what and who you are with where and when. Its too much for me. On the other hand I cant stand not knowing any of the time. I like to know whats going on. What is the happy medium? I have yet to discover it with someone but I am crossing my fingers.

Do TELL

Meeting someone is new and exciting. But what happens when you get to the point where you have to tell them things. Like your health problems, where you are and who you are with, Who is calling you. Those situations are awkward and annoying. You dont know how the other will react to you. If they like you will they care? WIll this ruin everything? As well as you being the one asking the questions. What are you allowed to ask? What is the limit? What if the person you are with doesnt talk alot and you do? Are you compatible? I just dont know. I wish that you could skip all that and just accept and be accpeted for you and all of you.

ADICT!

You know what is addictive? The new ness of a relationship...first hug, first touch, first kiss. This is when you hopefully get the excited and nervous butterfly feeling in your stomach anticipating seeing the person and what may happen when you do. I believe that feeling is addictive- or it might be commitment phobia. I am not too sure at this point. All I know is that its terrifying to think of being with one person the rest of your life. Where you will never feel those butterflies again but only have the faint memory of them existing. I know it turns into "deeper" and "comfortable" love but where is the excitment in that? I am just stating my opinion and not putting down long term relationships. I guess I just dont believe in monogamy. From my experience everyone in the world has cheated or been cheated on. I know I have. Why go through that? Why did society shape into monogammy. How can you possibly get everything you need out of one person??? Its impossible. You get the good sex form one guy, the friendnship with the other. The partying with one, the chilling with the other. To bad for feelings like jealousy and insecurity- then we would be all set!!!

The Calling Game

One of the things I hate the most about hooking up with someone- or even with a girl or guy friend-is the calling game. Everyone knows this game: When should I call, what time should it be at? how many days do I wait? I called him twice its his turn to call me now. F-ing annoying! I have recently been under that situation. I have met someone who always wantes me to call him. He will even text message me: Call me Now. WOW ALL THAT EFFORT FOR A TEXT MESSAGE HE COULD HAVE DIALED THE PHONE IF HE WANTED TO SPEAK WITH ME. Is he really that head strong on winning the calling game? I dont personally care too much. I will call. i will harass my girlfreinds and call them 4 or 5 times. I dont mind. But when it comes to hooking up- I like it to be 50/50. I dont like feelin glike the only one picking up the phone. And girls- if a guy doesnt even make the effort to pick up the phone- HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!! RIGHT!! Well guess what...I have lost the calling game and I guess that makes him the winner...the prize is ......NEVER HAVE ME CALL AGAIN!!! lol

Work

Well I have been counting down the hours until I go to work...Now I must leave in 20 minutes. I dread it. I wish that I could do nothing all week but still have money in my bank account. AS much as I would be bored not having a job I would love to have a free summer. Going up north, swimming in friends pools....wait I have no friends with pools. Can anyone hook me up? Anyways wish me luck. Im out!